Dear Fear Laden Christians:

Here’re 17 Things The Bible Never Said.

 

“And I say unto thee, quarantine thyself, live in dread and flee from the sick for thou art an American Christian.” – Ringo 12:36

“Obey civil magistrates who don’t give two flying craps about the Church” – Specious Doo 6:66

“Hey, if there’s a bad cold going around, stop meeting together, no more corporate gatherings, no more communion and singing and stuff” – Snafu 2:32

“Rejoice, for God has given thee a spirit of fear, timidity, selfishness, and paranoia”. Rosie 25:25

 

“When your conscience is telling you that the talking head on TV is full of more crap than a colicky baby’s diaper, stifle that voice, buy what they’re selling you, and ask for seconds”. Delbert 1:234.

“Don’t worry about culture and politics and don’t try to right this planet through evangelism and discipleship and the implementation of the biblical worldview because I’m about to blow up the globe and rescue my sad little church.” Talking Heads 17:16

“We must obey men rather than God”. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot 5:15

“Be feeble-minded and milk-livered when hard times come. Curl up in the fetal position and wet your big ass Christian diaper.” – el Diablo 37:11

 

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit so inject it with strange vaccines that Herod wants you to take and that are proven not to work.” – Slaves 78:17b

“Cover thy face like a good obedient zombie. Yay, wear it even when you’re alone in your car.” – Billy Squire 867:5309

“When your nation is being taken over by anti-theistic goons, do not preach about it, or mention it during covered-dish dinners and act like it isn’t really happening because you could get persecuted by big government droogies and you may very well upset some demonized old, rich chick that is in your church.” – Cerberus 2:42

“Get on the train. Everything will be okay.” – Skubalon 3:33

 

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is bondage to bad ideas and the fetid leaders who spawned them.” – Carrot Top 10:99

“Train up a child in the ways of lesser magistrates and when they’re old they will not depart from them.” – Gobbledygook 9:66

“Seek to be liked by crooked leaders just like Jesus and the prophets and the apostles did.” WTF 45:54

 

“And I say unto thee do not, under any circumstance, teach on the biblical principles of liberty as found in the Constitution, Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence because that could jeopardize thy non-profit status and/or piss off the left-leaning Marxists within your Church”. – Rotten Tomatoes 14:13.

“Hand thy children, whom thou lovest, over to radical communists (who hate that which is holy, just, and good) and let them educate your child in all things that pertaineth to this life.” 2nd Stercore Tauri 8:18